National Novel Writing Month

This has been an interesting week. I said I wasn't going to rely on gadgets, and for the most part I'm not, but when I found out that walking on the treadmill while reading a book on my iPad doesn't record any of my fitbit steps because I have my fitbit hand on the treadmill side-rail so I don't get dizzy while reading, I get a little pissed. I can understand grocery shopping steps not counting because you're pushing a cart, but c'mon! I'm going to experiment with keeping the wristband in my hip pocket and see if that works any better. I guess I can just put the sensor in my pocket and leave the wristband at home. I think we already know that cheaters can wave their arm around while sitting in a chair to achieve the required number of steps - but I call that cheating and I'm not going to stoop that low. I could just get rid of the fitbit, but I'm not ready for that yet. I haven't weighed this much in years. Part of the weight gain is due to my doctor and a psychologist telling me to go easy on myself and get rid of my 'food rules.' Eat what you want in moderation. Isn't that what they've been saying for years? Honey, if I though I could do that I would have tried it years ago. However, I did let go and start enjoying things that I previously wouldn't eat. Those things really don't taste that good, but I had to try them. Then I got a new job. I work part-time - usually 4 hours per day, but I'm flexible and will work extra hours when asked. I sit at a desk and I'm not required to take phone calls. Either are the other 5 people on my team. What we do is eat. When you're not taking phone calls you can eat all day if you want to. Chips, crackers, cookies, candies - nothing low-carb or low-fat. I'm not a huge fan of chips, but I wasn't against taking popcorn to work. We're not talking plain popcorn either. The job is stressful. When I'm stressed, I turn to food. Consequently I've gained 15 pounds since July. This is not good. Fortunately for me, my workplace put in a 'no food at your desk' policy. It's harder to smuggle in crap. It's also hard to bring in fresh vegetables and fruit, which are the things they object to most. I don't have to eat anything in a four hour period. I will not starve in that length of time, so I'm working at taking water only to work, with a splash of lemon. I try to get out every day for a long walk with Della. If the weather is bad I have the treadmill. We also have a fully equipped weights area in the basement. No excuses. As Maddy Hubba would say - no candyasses. I've been finding ways to occupy myself in my spare time that don't include social media. New rule - no iPad between 9am and 8:30 pm. I'm writing a novel. That's right. A 50,000 word novel. November is National Novel Writing Month. I didn't hear about it until yesterday, so I have to write my ass off for the rest of the month to catch up. I suppose some people will turn out very good pieces of writing. I don't really expect to. I'm just writing something that I should have started last September but I didn't think I needed to. Now, I can see the benefits so it's going to be my novel. I just finished the final exam of a course I was taking through UC Berkeley. I did well, and I'll do another but there isn't anything I want until February. In the meantime I'll just write a novel...LOL Keep on keepin' on people. Every day on the right side of the dirt is a good one.

The Search for Moderation

My blog used to be called Fifty Counting Down. It was interesting to me, but it didn't bring me the results I wanted.

I'm starting over. I'm going for twenty. Perhaps I should start with ten. See? I'm not willing to set low expectations for myself.

The truth is, if I never lose fifty, or twenty or ten, I want to be able to live a life of moderation. I've always been the all or nothing girl. If I can't do it perfectly, I don't want to play.

When it comes to food - moderation hasn't been in my wheel-house, unless I'm so driven that my food rules drive me crazy.

I have spent most of the last year with a very nice psychologist named Kelly. When my family doctor recommended her to me, and told me she could get me free therapy, I jumped at the chance. I've been down that road before, but this was going to be the last chance - last time. I was going to be completely honest at whatever cost to what I perceived as my well-being.

Therapy is hard for a control freak like me. It requires really hard work. I owe Kelly a few cases of Kleenex for all the tears I shed in her office. I shed a lot of rage too.  I had a complete breakdown in March and knew that I had hit rock bottom. From the bottom there is nowhere to go but up, and that's where I'm headed now.

I love running. I love calling myself a runner. I love racing. I love being around people who love racing. I love the number bibs, and the bananas. I will learn to love racing again with moderation. I will start small and work up.

I'm learning to live without being dependant on gadgets. I still *have* gadgets, but they aren't in control.  I'm not a failure if I don't hit 10,000 steps per day, or 15 miles per week.

This blog is for me - but I want to share it with all of you who are struggling. I hope we can generate some interesting discussion. Leave me a comment, send me an email, call me in the middle of the night (maybe not). Let's discuss.