The Search for Moderation

My blog used to be called Fifty Counting Down. It was interesting to me, but it didn't bring me the results I wanted.

I'm starting over. I'm going for twenty. Perhaps I should start with ten. See? I'm not willing to set low expectations for myself.

The truth is, if I never lose fifty, or twenty or ten, I want to be able to live a life of moderation. I've always been the all or nothing girl. If I can't do it perfectly, I don't want to play.

When it comes to food - moderation hasn't been in my wheel-house, unless I'm so driven that my food rules drive me crazy.

I have spent most of the last year with a very nice psychologist named Kelly. When my family doctor recommended her to me, and told me she could get me free therapy, I jumped at the chance. I've been down that road before, but this was going to be the last chance - last time. I was going to be completely honest at whatever cost to what I perceived as my well-being.

Therapy is hard for a control freak like me. It requires really hard work. I owe Kelly a few cases of Kleenex for all the tears I shed in her office. I shed a lot of rage too.  I had a complete breakdown in March and knew that I had hit rock bottom. From the bottom there is nowhere to go but up, and that's where I'm headed now.

I love running. I love calling myself a runner. I love racing. I love being around people who love racing. I love the number bibs, and the bananas. I will learn to love racing again with moderation. I will start small and work up.

I'm learning to live without being dependant on gadgets. I still *have* gadgets, but they aren't in control.  I'm not a failure if I don't hit 10,000 steps per day, or 15 miles per week.

This blog is for me - but I want to share it with all of you who are struggling. I hope we can generate some interesting discussion. Leave me a comment, send me an email, call me in the middle of the night (maybe not). Let's discuss.